Post Calendar

Grief is overwhelming.

You never know when it’s going to trample your day from out of nowhere, or your week, or your month, or your life.  It consumes and barely lets you breathe at times.  I feel confused about grief.  None of it feels normal, I can’t attempt to understand it and I have absolutely no control over it.

For someone with control issues to begin with, the past year has been a huge battle for me.  At least with Kevin being sick I felt I could take control of his meds, his treatments, his home care-I could DO things in order to feel at least slightly in control of the situation, even though the outcome was completely out of my hands. 

I look back at what I was able to remember and I’m amazed.  I’ve never had a good memory, but I could remember the tons of medications and treatments he was on, what had happened and when without having to think.  It was just there.  Now “widda” brain has taken over and I can’t remember..well..shit!  Or as a good co-worker says, I have “CRS” syndrome, haha.

I think recalling the events of the past year is most hard because of how Kevin suffered and why he suffered so.  I believe he held on for me, and while I’m grateful for that, imaginging the pain he felt breaks my heart.  To know that he went through that for me, for him, for us to have some semblence of a future together.  I don’t regret anything, I try not to at least, but it’s hard not to be hurt at the thought of my husband’s suffering.

Nothing is the same.  I can’t change any of it.  It’s all out of my control, and that’s completely scary.  I can’t control what’s going to come or what I’m feeling even second to second.  Most times it catches me off guard and I barely have time to brace for the flood.

I miss him dearly.  What I hate most about that particular phrase is that it doesn’t begin to capture the feeling behind behind the 3 words: I MISS HIM.  It’s so vague to all that phrase entails.

I miss him=smile, laugh, humor, love, sexiness, desire, passion, vigor, ambition, hope, dreams, safety, comfort, calm, happiness, excitement, butterflies, encouragement, faith, future, children, plans, hands, holding, wishes, drives, travel, camp buddy, smell, feel, touch, foot rubs, chef, darryl’s “dad”, sweat, strength, goofiness, romantic…..

I miss him.

Happy Canada Day to all my dear Canadian friends and family.

This day last year is amongst the many that hold a tough memory for me as we enjoyed what would be one of the last few nights Kevin and I even slept in the same bed together before he fell too ill.

This melancholy mood is not being shaken. In fact, I left work at lunch time today and as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot I started bawling. Not a good sign. I haven’t been sleeping well which I’m sure is just compounding my depressions and anxieties.

Tonight my roommate and I are going to place another Canadian Flag at Kevin’s gravesite in honor of the Canadian Holiday and then go to Wasabis for some dinner. I’m praying for strength as all the memories of these Independence Day events stir up so many emotions.

The paycheck was “eh” which just means no purchase of a bike for this weekend. I’m disappointed, but it gives me something to work harder to earn. I’m looking forward to riding again as I’ve pretty much given up on the gym.

I tried to cancel my gym membership due to financial hardship/widowhood, but they’re requiring seeing his death certificate to do so. They didn’t even need to see it to cancel Kevin’s membership when he passed because his good friends worked there, but now that they have quit, the Gym has become more corporate. I’m upset-they won’t even consider canceling my membership, only freezing it. It’s extra money that I could use in my pocket right now and not a fight I want to make to free myself from the membership. I just think-you’re a GYM, not a hospital or something. It’s furstrating and just accumulates all these emotions over his illness.

Frustration is the word of the day.

I gotta find happiness on my own before I can give it to anyone else.  Going on a few dates was  a COMPLETE failure.  Back to single widowhood, and I am A-OK with that.  The thought of being independent and doing my life was much more appealing than trying to make room for anyone else.

I’m so excited for the 3 day weekend ahead….hoping my paycheck is big enough for me to buy a bike at Walmart to ride at the cabin.  Pray it’s a good payday!

Julie, a dear family friend batting breast cancer is healing well from surgery and is CANCER FREE.  As oncologists always are, they are being cautiously optimistic and requiring her to come back every 4 months for followups.

Feeling SO glad that things are looking so good for her.  Awesome

Last day of the month, thank Goodness!

The new month always seems to usher in new adventures, and I am hopeful that they will be positive ones.

I have entered into a whole new community here in Lancaster via Twitter.  For those who don’t know, Twitter is basically a way to communicate with others just by saying what y0u’re doing right then and there.  Unlike Facebook, I use Twitter more as a way to meet new people such as local writers, authors, techies and community members.  It seems the perfect place to meet friends in the Adult world which is a hard thing to do!

This morning I went to my first “tweetup”, basically a time/place where other Tweeters meet up to enjoy life together.  It was at 7 am which was SO EARLY for me (for those who know me I am NOT by any means a morning person) but I felt so blessed to be there.  I think this will be a good thing

Last night I hung out at Prince Street Cafe to do some writing-mainly doing poetry and attempting some song writing, and I ran into a 2nd cousin of mine.  We had a great discussion on life, love, loss and faith.  That’s twice this week that I’ve been to the PSC and seen amazing people and had amazing chats.  It definitely feels like that’s for a reason…It’s definitely helping me process all that this year anniversary of Kev becoming sick entails.

I’m heading to my parents cabin this weekend-hoping that will be inspirational and fun with them.

Sorry-not feeling really inspiring right now.  Hoping to have that tonight   Until then, take care!

I think part of widowhood is just figuring out what the new right is for me.  Sometimes it’s just being independent, and finding out what I need in this life.  It’s easier to do that without thinking of someone else whether it be dating or friendship or whatever.

It’s become hard for me to deal with my friend’s concerns and daily issues of their lives because I don’t feel I can be an adequate support to them.  I just can’t commit to much more than myself right now, and sometimes I find it hard to even commit to me.

I’m feeling so lost in the shuffle of life-confused about my wants, needs, desires.  I truly wish I had Kev to ask these questions to, to seek direction with.

I woke up at 4am and was just consumed with the thought of him.  I wonder why..

8 months, 2 hours ago is when I watched Kevin slip away from this world.

*sip of my coffee*

8 months, 2 hours ago is the last time Kevin heard my voice.

…Letting that all soak in.

Anniversaries used to be celebratory, and now the anniversaries in my life are those of mourning, sorrow, devastation in my life.

I miss Kevin desperately this week as I dwell on what occured last year at this time.  The beginning of our Angiosarcoma journey.  I think of what I have learned in this year, what I have ben given and don’t just want to dwell on what’s been taken from me.

But on an anniversary such as this, it’s hard not to focus on what I have lost.  I feel more God connected these days, a bit more focused on hearing what God has to say on this life of mine.  The sorrow is still the same, but in the sorrow I’m starting to feel some hope and inspiration.

What that hope and inspiration is today, I’m not quite sure, haha.  I’m a bit blinded by the sadness of my life events a year ago, my life events 8 months ago.

8 months, 2 hours, 15 minutes since Kevin took his final breath and left us to go ot a better world.  A place where this disease no longer destroys his body, no longer surrounded by hospital personnel and machines, a place where he’s free, finally, from the disease that destroyed it all.

He’s free.  I wish I could feel the freedom of peace again.

..Is exactly one year since Kevin came home late from work and called to tell me he wouldn’t be joining me for the Lancaster city fireworks with my sister and her husband because he was too tired, too sick.

His throat had been sore for several days, but he was struggling through it.  I was so disappointed for him not coming downtown to watch them with me.  Little did I know it was the angiosarcoma tumor growing in his chest…that we’d have just 4 short months together.

*sigh*  It hurts so bad tonight…watching those fireworks from the front stoop of my apartment.  Crying lightly, watching a couple in matching tuxedos carrying their instruments from the downtown concert…..older, having spent their life together.  Another couple with their brand new baby.  A life I’ll never have with Kevin.

A life that was all I wanted, all I dreamed about, all I desired and more.

Check out http://www.addressinthestars.com for the story behind the song I posted earlier..

Last night, I came home and just bawled.

I haven’t done that in so long.  It felt good to release that, to unburden myself with this buildup of emotion after a year from when this journey to widowhood all started.  The tears hold a lot more than grief.

That last post that I put up-I just heard it on the radio at work.  Wow.  I am trying to uncover the history of whomever wrote it because it captures grief in a deep essence.  I have spent a lot of my grieving driving down the road bawling my eyes out just like the song said.  For whatever reason, while driving, I felt I could release, could rage, could be free or grief.

I’m feeling a deep wave of grief these days.  It’s hard to believe a year ago Kevin started to feel this tumor taking over his body.  It’s hard to believe that a year ago is when I was starting to lose my soulmate.  To watch him suffer unbelievably, yet provide a strength that I have never seen.

I miss witnessing his vigor, his hope, his faith, but mostly, his love for me and for life.  I miss him.

I’m also feeling burdened by the hurt of my friends.  Watching love unravel, be destroyed.  It’s heavy on my heart to see people walk away from marriage when I would give anything to have my marriage back.  It sounds a bit selfish I guess, but I think..”You saw what Kev & I went through, how fragile life is, how precious family and love are, yet you walk away, you betray”.  Watching things like this unravel just adds to the grief of loss I think.  But I guess not everyone has what we had.  And I need to keep that in mind too.  Love is never perfect, it’s work, it’s hard.  It’s learning…not giving up.

I’m wearing my engagement ring on my right ring finger, and Kevin’s wedding ring on my left middle finger today.  I just wanted to have something he wore close to me today.  I miss him a lot these days, like every day.