A blog that I follow, (cfhusband.blogspot.com), posted some awesome news tonight that Tricia’s lymphoma is possiby completely gone. I pray that her infection goes away, and just want to say-MIRACLES ARE AWESOME!!!
Well, I found out I’m not crazy. I’m dealing with this normall, and with strength. I was glad to hear this. It was good to just talk about the issues Im facing, the anger and general irritability I’m having and to find out, it’s all ok!
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.
I have been given a life of reflection. I always thought I was reflective upon life before, but certain situations in life cause us to look at things differently, to see a new perspective. I always felt like I had true, life experience. What I had was experience on some parts of life. Now, I have true life experience. It’s not to say that each of our journeys that we walk don’t give us some perspective, but some journeys certain give different people the tools they need to deal with nearly anything/everything. God gave us those tools for a reason, a purpose, most times a purpose beyond our own understanding.
I am a married women who lost her husband. Now a widow. It’s a devastating thing to think about. I have no clue why I’m meant to walk this journey, but I’m being handed bits and pieces along the way that show me, that through my tragedy, I am touching other’s lives. It’s hard for me to comprehend many times. But I am glad that my journey can give others focus and some new direction in their lives.
I am not saying that I necessarily feel it was worth it. I don’t know that any widow feels like it is ever “worht it” to lose their spouse to a purpose and journey that they may never understand. But then again, it all comes down to faith. My faith is hard right now. I plead to God for understanding, for direction, for ANOTHER purpose in life than what I have been handed. But I know that nothing can be changed in the past. The only thing I have now is a past. My future is unknown and completely un-directional. For once in my life, i have fully accepted not having a path or way to go. I no longer have a plan. For me, and those who know me, this is big. Huge, infact.
I can’t imagine the journey I have ahead of me. Do I work full time or part time? When do I REALLY start looking? Where will I live and make my home? How long do I stay living with my parents? How long will I continue to think about Kevin’s death instead of his life? How long will I stay angry at this disease and question God for why? When will this raw, intense pain go away, or will it ever? Is there anything I could have done differently? Why do I blame myself for things beyond my control? Why do I feel so alone despite being surrounded by an amazing God and great friends family? What choices am I going to make in this journey that I will regret later? Why do I feel anger towards what others say despite their good intentions? Where is my heart??????
There are way too many intense questions that I am asking, and too many questions that are being asked of me that are beyond trivial. I don’t want to deal with trivial right now. The legal, the medical, the financial…all these things are so trivial to me right now. They are merely fillers that are distracting from the big purpose that I am addressing right now in life. I don’t want to be asked those questions. Trust me, I wrote down those questions, and I think about them, but they are not the heart of the matter right now. They are not, nor should they ever be!!! (I type this shouting in my head)
Why have we, despite our tragedies, become so involved in the filler and trivial matters of life?? Why can’t we/others see the heart of the matter. The devastation that surrounds our lives…yes, it’s depressing. But for those of us who have been given the give of faith and love, why don’t we share that with the depressive matters of the world more? Why have we become so wrapped up in the filler?
Just a few of my reflective, angry thoughts swirling around. I can’t stop thinking about Kevin’s death. Watching that. It’s destroying me, and I can’t think of anything more right now. It hurts so bad to think about his suffering, his will to live, his determination. I wish I still had that. I wish I had him to push my willpower on, but each day, I feel like I’m losing him a little bit more. I hate that. And so enters grief counseling and exactly WHY I need to go.
It just plain hurts. It just plain sucks. Welcome to the life of a 24 year old widow who lost everything to Angiosarcoma. Where do I start again?
I feel like I am definitely getting the right tools to deal with this grief. I am actually anxious for my grief counseling appt tomorrow. I’ve been talking about it, and around it, but not in depth. Being able to speak to an outside party about everything will be good for me. I am ready to equip myself with the right tools. I don’t know that I will ever have the “right tools”. I feel like we all have different tools in our belt to deal with these things. Right now, friends and writing are so god for me.
It’s still so hard to imagine he’s not here. The pain of that never goes away. It is beyond the point where I think maybe he’s just gone for a while..it’s true, and it hurts deeply. This life without him, this BRAND new life, is so hard to begin. Where and how do I start? I don’t have tools to begin this..I’m hoping to prepare myself with this counseling, with my friends, and with travel and writing and faith. The things that make me happy are these…and I hope that never ends.
I am hanging in. I got out today with a great friend and got a chance to refocus. I have an appt to meet with grief counselor on Thursday, which I think is a step in the right direction.
I am feeling less overwhelmed today, but still not “myself”. I am not sure when I’ll get myself back, but I have a high feeling it won’t happen for a long time. I am anxious to refocus more on my trip to cali and washington. Its a trip I am greatly looking forward to.
Thank you again, all for your support. One day at time while keepin’ it Kevin.
My grief has been so overwhelming the past 3 days. Today marks the 3rd week since Kevin’s passing, and reality is hitting very hard. I am officially entering my 3rd day of being in a total fog, unsure of which way is up, and unbelieving.
Please pray for me.
I have now officially become one of those annoying coffee shop geeks. I type this via wi-fi at Prince Street Cafe in downtown Lancster while drinking one of my favorite cups of joe and waiting for food to arrive. I am not sure if this is a proud, welcome to the new millenium, moment, or an “I’ve become one of those” moments. I hope its the first.
I am hoping this will be the start of the novel. I find inspiration in places other than my home, as I think is evidence from my past blogging. Of course, now, with Kev being gone, my life is much less busy and chaotic. I would give anything to care for him 24/7 if that meant he was still here. I would have taken care of him for a lifetime, but I also know that would not have been fair to his quality of life. For whatever reason, this is my journey.
I am finding it difficult to accept that he is not here physically. It almost feels like he’s on an extended vacation and I just can’t talk to him. Sometimes it hits me that he is definitely not on this earth, but other times it’s just as if I can’t see or talk to him. It is frustrating. I just don’t understand, and I tthat I ever will. I believe that’s the hardest part of grief, the lack of understanding. I am so grateful to have a faith in God that acknowledges Kevin is in a better place and that one day I can join him. For others, this knowledge is not so, and it must be even more lonely for them. I trust in God’s plan, in his ultimate grace and mercy that shows me amazing things will come out of this. But it is still beyond my understanding as to why we were chosen for this horrific task.
This disease is unbelievable. It is so misunderstood, it is so unknown, it is so underfunded for research. For the few thousands that are affected by this cancer each year, it is such a lonely road. There is no direct cause, little understanding, minimal treatment, no pre-diagnostic markers. For so many, as in Kevin’s case, by the time it is found, it is beyond what little treatment options there are. I am grateful that our doctor took a risk, and gave him treatment to give us 4 months together. Many others don’t get that time. God granted us those 4 months to impact many, and to give us a deeper appreciation of a love most never find.
I cannot imagine of the life Kev is living in heaven, nor the fun he is enjoying with his father. It must be so amazing. However amazing, at times I wish he were here on this much less perfect planet, with me. Building out life together, being healthy, being in love for years and years. I just do not understand why that was taken from me.
I feel so misundertood. I feel disconnected from the world. My grief, most times, is indescribable, nothing anyone else can comprehend. We walk a similar journey with others who are grieving, but each of our grief is still so unique. While most 24 year olds are beginning careers, dating, finding love, going out with friends to parties, and living “the life, I am a 24 year old woman who gave up her job, found the love of her life, witnessed a debilitating disease destroy the only man who made her whole, and watched as he passed just over 3 and a half years after they met. I have had a lifetime in just a few short years, and I don’t want it. I want Kev and OUR life, not this memory of this disease and his death.
Grief is such a bitter tool that eats at us. Before Kev, I had never lost anyone really close to me. I hate that my first loss has to be my greatest loss. No one should have to lose a child, or a husband, so young. Life was meant to be long and full of zest, not short and at times full of angst.
I am still amazed at the emotions this road is bringing to me. Everday I get these beautiful cards and beautiful gifts from so many people, many of whom I never had the opportunity to meet. I am going to visit friends who have stood by me through this terrible journey, and I have the opportunity to speak to thousands through this great technology.
And despite all this that I am so grateful to have, I feel lonely and broken.
Despite all the support, this is a journey only I can walk and feel. I can be held up at times by those who love me, and broken apart by the grief that eats at my soul. I embrace those surrounding me, yet cry my heart out when I feel my total loss.
There is only hope in a faith that I barely understand. There is only mercy in a God a cry out to every day. There is only grace in the family that has brought me through this storm. There is only support from my true friends who stand with me when the winds try to sweep me away.
There is hope. There is life. Right now..it’s just a lonely, deceiving road. I thank you for riding along with me, for supporting me and lifting me up. God is going to bring not only me, but you, through this. I trust in Him for that mercy and grace. I pray for it daily, for God to just bring me through this storm. He will. I trust…but I still hurt.
I am finding that my days are filled with complete and utter emotional chaos. I begin the day either feeling hopeful for the day, or sad that I’m starting the day alone. As I begin the day I either have things to look forward to, or things that I know will be hard, or a little of both. Then I do these things, and I feel such emotions of accomplishment, sadness, fear, distress, doubt.
It is an emotional rollercoaster for which I cannot strap myself in. It’s pretty frustrating, but it’s all part of this “process”. Overall, it was nice to see family today, nice to connect and get some organization back into my life. I also booked my trip, and for that, I am so excited.
Kevin….I miss you so much babe. I will forever, and I know that somewhere you can see/hear/feel/read this. I love you.
I am just not quite ready to face the crowds/questions at church. I love seeing friends and family, but some things, I’m just not yet prepared for. So, instead, I spent the morning organizing my bedroom. It’s the first time I’ve cleaned/organized since Kevin’s passing, and it was very difficult. I took all of his clothes and put them in some totes in my closet. I’m not ready to take things off the hangers yet, or see anything go. I feel like there’s still a piece of him in those clothes yet. It’s just so hard to do things like this, to see things of his that just remind me more that he’s not here.
Some days are tough, and today is one of them. This afternoon, I have a family thanksgiving to go to. It’s going to be my first family gathering since Kevin’s passing, and my first holiday since. I can’t imagine how hard this holiday is going to be, nor do I want to. One minute at a time, and keeping myself surrounded by families and friends is so important.
Today is just a sad day for me…I miss him so much.
I posted last week that I took a trail hike at the Pinnacle. This is something I used to love to do, and have lost it in the past 2 years. It’s part of the reason I loved Montana so much! So, I took a few cheesy pictures of me (via camera phone) on my hike and I thought I would share. Enjoy!
Rock Fence..I'm not sure WHO put it there. Maybe the Indians way back when. I should ask my history buff mom!
Looking somewhere? More so..can you guys believe my hair is this long? It hasn't been this long since I was 7!
My attempt at looking in thought..didn't work so well.
You mean I still have to hike up this? Oh well. It was so pretty!